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The Alternative Queen's Speech

If The Green Party's Caroline Lucas wrote the Queen's speech, it would include the following:

My government will continue the previous government's efforts to tackle Britain's budget deficit by 2014, but with greater emphasis on raising tax levels on the wealthiest thirteen per cent of earners.

The redistributive tax measures will ensure that a non-means-tested citizen's pension may be introduced at the level of £170 for individual pensioners and £300 for couples. This will ensure that no British pensioner is living below the poverty line.

My government will cancel new road building plans and transfer £30bn from the road building budget towards public transport and measures to promote and facilitate cycling and walking, including safe routes to school programmes.

Those banks which are wholly or partly state-owned will pay no bonuses above £25,000, and a permanent tax on bonuses will be introduced. A "Robin Hood tax", a tax on financial transactions, will also be established.

My government will introduce legislation to bring about wide-ranging political and electoral reform, including a fair and inclusive voting system which will be extended to a fully-elected second chamber.

My government is committed to making Britain a fairer and more inclusive society, and to this end will bring forward legislation to promote this. This will include a requirement for all companies to have at least 40 per cent of their boards of directors made up of women, and to penalise employers who implement unequal pay. The same legislation will strengthen the protection of disabled people and those with mental health problems against discrimination.

Legislation will be brought forward to decommission Britain's nuclear weapons.

For more on Caroline's alternative Queen's speech, click here.

I would add one more item: My government will ensure this was the last ever Queen's speech, as I am unelected and have inherited my title, which is incompatible with a 21st century democracy. If I remain in my job I will be limited to ceremonial and non-political roles. I will lose my right to sign laws that have been passed by an elected Parliament. My claim to the throne is in any case dubious at best, given my ancestors' lust for bloodletting and debauchery, which has a) led to the deaths of those who had stronger claims to the throne and b) meant there are thousands of bastard children whose descendants have a better claim than I do.

Four Lions - Film of the Year

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